Dear Diary
by FictionalMe888
Summary: Brooke has committed suicide and she's leaves behind a diary. A dance moms fanfiction.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

Tears streamed down Paige's face. She gripped the book she was holding so tightly her knuckles were turning white. She hadn't opened it yet, she was too afraid. Too afraid of what it might say, too afraid to re-live the pain.

The cover read "Diary" in swirly gold cursive on a black leather background and it was all that Paige had left of her sister. Last week Brooke had committed suicide and this diary could explain why. Why Brooke decided to take her own life. Why she decided her life was no longer worth living.

_Knock Knock Knock._ "Paige can I come in?" Came Chloe's voice from the other side of her closed door.

At first she only nodded but then she realized Chloe couldn't see her so she let out a strangled "Yes" Chloe opened the door. Chloe's heart swelled when she saw her best friend, her twinnie, sitting on the floor crying. She walked over to Paige and wrapped her arms around her and she allowed Paige to cry on her shoulder she even cried herself.

After a few minutes the two girls pulled apart. "What did you want to show me?" Paige had sent her a text telling her to come over ASAP. So naturally Chloe had hopped in her car as soon as she got the text.

"This," Paige croaked, her voice hoarse from all the crying she had done in the last two weeks. She handed Chloe the diary. "I found this under Brooke's pillow."

Chloe took the book and stared at it fresh tears falling down her cheeks. "You want to read it?" She finally asked. Paige nodded.

"I just need someone to be here with me, I couldn't do it myself."

Chloe nodded her head, she understood. "Do you want to read it or shall I?"

Paige took the book from Chloe. "I will."

Paige took two deep breaths and flipped over the cover. Inside it said "The Diary Of Brooke Hyland" In Brooke's elegant cursive. Tapped to the back of the cover was a note written in black sharpie.

It read,

_**Paige **_

_**This diary now belongs to you. **__**Read it, PLEASE **__**I want-no need you to know what I couldn't bring myself to tell you. Read it alone or with friends, it doesn't matter. And after you're done you can do whatever you want with it. Share it with whomever you like.**_

_**Love**_

_**Brooke**_

Even more tears streamed down Paige's face but following Brooke's wish's she turned the page to the first entry. And read out loud...


	2. Chapter 2

_August 27th_

_Dear Diary,_

_I guess I should tell you who I am. My name is Brooke Marie Hyland. I'm a dancer my favorite style is acro and I like to think I'm pretty good. I'm 15, I have brown hair and I'm short. _

_My mom gave me this diary after the first season of dance moms finished and told me to write down everything that I was feeling. I thought that idea was stupid and I vowed never to write in it, but… I need someone to talk to. Someone that won't judge me or ridicule me. I just need someone to listen._

"I would have listened to you Brooke." Paige cried. "Why didn't you talk to me?" Chloe placed a comforting hand on Paige's shoulder and she continued reading.

_I guess I could have talked to Paige but… I'm scared. Scared of what she might think of me. I'm her big sister. I'm the one that she comes to when she feels sad and I wipe away her tears, I'm supposed to be the roll model (That's what Abby keeps telling me 'You're the oldest, be the roll model Brooke')so how can I tell Paige what I'm feeling? What if she never thinks of me the same again? I don't think I can take that. So I opted for the easier option, you._

_Maybe writing my feelings down will help. ...Maybe…_

_Love_

_Brooke_

That was the end of the first diary entry.

"I wouldn't have thought of her differently." Paige told Chloe. "I would have tried to help her, she's my big sister I love her."

Chloe pulled her twinnie into another hug "I love her too Paige, I do."

"Its getting late. You should probably go home." Paige mumbled into Chloe's shoulder.

"Are you sure you're okay?" She asked.

Paige shook her head. "But I'll be fine. Go."

Reluctantly Chloe nodded her head and started to get up. "Promise you won't read anymore without me?"

Paige nodded her head. "I promise, I wouldn't want to do this alone anyway."

"Are you going to dance tomorrow?" Asked Chloe. Paige thought about it for a while then shook her head.

"Its to hard. Maybe next week." Chloe nodded and got up stopping at the door to look back at her friend one last time staring at the diary with a distant look in her eyes. Then Chloe turned to leave closing the door behind her.

Once Chloe left Paige got up from her place on the floor and walked to Brooke's room diary tight in her hand. When she entered Brooke's room she didn't look around. She didn't look at the pictures that hung on the walls. She didn't look at the trophies that sat on the floor in the corner. She didn't look at the crowns that sat on the shelves. No she didn't look at any of that. If she did she would be reminded of all the memories she had of Brooke and Paige didn't want to remember she wanted to forget. If she forgot it would be easier.

So instead Paige set her eyes on Brooke's bed and didn't take them off the bed until she placed the diary back in its hiding place under her pillow. Then she closed the door behind her and didn't look back.


	3. Chapter 3

_August 28th_

_Dear Diary,_

_Life Sucks._

_There I said it. And its true, life does suck. It sucks even more than I can put into words. But i'll try._

Both girls sucked in a gasp. Why would Brooke say that? Did her life really suck that much? If so how could they have not noticed?

_My life hasn't been the best lately. But things really started getting bad this past week. At first it was just hurtful comments by people on the internet. _

"_**You suck Brooke." "She's not a good dancer." "Why is she even on the show when she can't dance?"**_

_Why should I care what they think? There just haters._

_That's what I tried to tell myself. But it hurt. Everything they said about me hurt. And I'm starting to believe the things they are saying. I realized they were right. I am a bad dancer._

"No Brooke, No! You're one of the best dancers I've ever seen." Paige whispered to the diary.

_Abby thinks it too. She never actually told me too my face but I know that's what she thinks. I'm always on the bottom row of the pyramid and she always yells at me. She never yells at Maddie like this, so I must be a bad dancer._

_Love_

_Brooke_

Paige closed the diary. She just stared at the wall in front of her for a while. It felt like hours to Chloe, but then she finally spoke. "I...I didn't know she thought that." Tears were still running down her face.

"You couldn't of, she never told you." Chloe tried to comfort her.

"She's my sister Chloe!" Paige yelled causing her to jump back in shock. "I should have known, I should have saw that she wasn't happy, I should… I should…" She couldn't finish she was crying too hard now.

Chloe took the diary from Paige's shaking hands and opened it to the next entry. She started to read out loud...


	4. Chapter 4

_September 5th_

_Dear Diary,_

_Today is friday, the first week of school-High school has come and gone. And I was really excited at first, this is what me and my friends have been talking about forever. It was going to be the best 4 years of our lives, we were going to have so much fun together._

_It was hell._

_Payton my ex-best friend (we used to be best friends but when I made it on the junior elite team and Abby kicked her off she just stopped talking to me.) she was the worst. She pushed and shoved me in the halls. She called me names like slut and Bitch._

_I tried to ignore her. But it was hard._

Chloe widened her eyes in shock she always thought Payton was really nice. She was nice to her anyways.

Paige felt a rush of anger towards Payton. Why would she do that to Brooke?

_And she spread rumors about me. Horrible lies. I can't even repeat them. I swear none of it was true. But people believed her anyways. People always believe the popular girl. Even my friends believed her! I thought they out of everyone they would have stood by me but no, they ditched me like last weeks garbage just like everyone else. _

_I eat lunch alone now, no one wants to be seen with me. No one will sit with me in class, no one will talk to me in the halls. Whenever they see me coming they walk the other way. They stay as far away from me as possible like I have some kind of contagious disease. I don't, you know that._

_Love _

_Brooke_

Chloe clenched her teeth she would have bet anything that was one of the rumors Payton spread. How could she do that? What did Brooke ever do to her?


	5. Chapter 5

_It was dark so dark. She couldn't see a thing only the stars that dotted the sky. "Hello?" She called cautiously into the dark._

"_Paige." Whispered a voice. Paige whipped around but no one was there. The voice sounded familiar but she couldn't tell who it was. "Paige!" This time it was louder and the voice sounded frantic and scared. Paige whipped around again from side to side trying to see where the voice was coming from. _

"_Brooke?" She called into the darkness. _

"_Paige!" This time the voice screamed her name. It was a terrifying scream that brought tears to her eyes. _

"_Brooke where are you? Brooke!" No answer just sobs. "Brooke?" More sobs. "Brooke answer me!" Paige screamed, blindly searching for her crying sister._

"Paige wake up!" Paige's eyes snapped open and she sat bolt upright in her bed.

"What!" She gasped.

"You were screaming in your sleep." Chloe exclaimed. Paige brought a hand up to wipe her eyes, she was crying. "Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?" Paige looked at Chloe for a moment and thought about her dream then she shook her head.

"What time is it?" She asked.

Chloe checked the clock. "7 in the morning. I have to leave for dance soon." It was then that Paige realized that Chloe wasn't in her fluffy pink pajama pants and tank top she was in her dance clothes. A pair of black booty shorts and a Zebra print crop top. Her hair was in a high ponytail, swaying from side to side.

"When do you have to leave?" Paige asked as Chloe pulled on a pair sweat pants and her ALDC hoodie.

"I should probably go now I have a ballet private in 20 minutes but I could be a little late if you wanted me to stay and talk." She offered.

Paige shook her head. "No I'm fine go. Have a good class." Chloe gave Paige a hug before grabbing her dance bag and turning to leave. "Wait!" Paige stopped her. Chloe turned and looked at her best friend curiously. Paige suddenly felt very nervous. "A..are you going to come over again later?" She stuttered.

Chloe gave Paige an understanding look. "Sure, I could sleep over again if you want?" Paige nodded and smiled at her gratefully, that nightmare had really freaked her out and she didn't really want to be alone. "Alright see you later." Chloe waved to her and hurried out of the room.

**Clobird: Done dance, going home to grab clothes. Be there in 15.**

**Paigeymack: KK**

Paige put her phone back on the coffee table and went back to half paying attention to The Hunger Games. Ten minutes later the doorbell rang. Assuming it was Chloe she went to answer the door instead of her blonde friend waiting at the door was to brunettes.

"Hey Paige how are you?" Asked Maddie giving Paige a hug.

"Okay." Paige answered. Maddie let go and Kendall took her place giving Paige a tight hug before letting go.

"I hope you don't mind we just really had to see you." Maddie looked at Paige with worry plain on her face. Neither of them had heard from their friend since the funeral and they really needed to see if she was doing okay.

"Its fine." Paige assured. "Do you want to come in?" She invited. Maddie and Kendall happily accepted her offer. Then another knock came from the door and Chloe stepped inside.

"Hey Paige." She's shocked to see Maddie and Kendall there but gets over it quickly. "Hey guy's"

"Hey Choe." They all say.

"So what should we do?" Maddie asked.

"Do you care if they read the diary with us?" Chloe asks Paige. Paige thinks about this. At first she thinks it might be an invasion of Brooke's privacy but then remembers what she had written on the note,

_**Read it alone or with friends, it doesn't matter.**_

She shook her head and Chloe began to explain to the confused girls what they were talking about. "Paige found Brooke's Diary and she wanted her to read it so we've been reading it together. Do you want to read some of it with us?" Both brunette eagerly nodded their heads and Paige lead everyone up to her room where the diary waited.

Once up in her room Paige retrieved the diary under her bed and sat at the head off her bed. Everyone else sat around her in a semi-circle on the bed and listened as Paige read,

_September 7th_

_Dear Diary,_

_Sunday, the day of Starbound competition. Abby asked Payton to come along, Yahhh(Sarcasm). As if having her torture me at school wasn't enough she has to torture me at dance too? Abby gave Payton a solo and she's in the group dance, I also have a solo. Payton was okay for the first couple of days she just called me names nothing I couldn't handle. Sticks and stones, right? _

_Then she got really mean, hiding my stuff all around the den (how elementary, am I right?). She put salt in my water bottle, and not just a little it tasted like the ocean! I threw up all over Nick who I was talking to at the time. It was so humiliating. It'll be miracle if he ever talks to me again. She put glue in my hair brush yesterday. It took forever to get it out. _

_She did stuff like this all week, it was relentless. I seriously considered faking sick so I wouldn't have to see Payton. But then I would have missed dance and that would just make Abby hate me more. So I sucked it up and I went to dance._

_Now i'm sitting in a bathroom stall writing in you with tears rolling down my cheeks. I just performed my solo and I forgot most of it. I'm not brave enough to go back into the dressing room, Abby's going to yell at me and I can't take it right now. _

_The girls walked in a little while ago looking for me, I didn't answer their calls. I kept as quiet as possible so they wouldn't know I was here. Then I heard Payton say, "Did you see her face onstage? It looked like she was going to cry, what a baby!" Then they all laughed. "Your so right Payton, she's 15 and she still forgets her dance?" That was Maddie. I thought Maddie was my friend I guess I was wrong. "Brooke is such a cry baby." Kendall. There goes another friend I thought I had._

_Well I guess I better go, I can't hide in here forever._

_Love  
Brooke_

Paige remembered that day, after Brooke had run off the stage Paige, Chloe and Nia had went to side of the building to look for her and Peyton, Maddie and Kendall went to look at the other side. When they had met back up at the dressing room neither group had found her. A few minutes later Brooke had shown up and all hell broke lose. Everyone wanted to know where Brooke had disappeared to and the Abby entered the room. She had yelled at Brooke at the top of her lungs, it seemed like years to Paige until Abby finally stopped.

It had scared Paige so much she had never seen Abby so mad before. And all Brooke did was sit there and take it, with absolutely no emotion. It had amazed and worried Paige at the same time. She had asked if Brooke was okay and tried to give her a hug but Brooke had pushed her off and gave a harsh "I'm fine" before going behind the curtain to change.

Maddie and Kendall exchanged guilty glances. The same thought swirled around both their mind, they didn't know Brooke was in the bathroom.

Paige glared at them from her spot at the head of the bed. She passed the book to Chloe and pulled her knees to her chest. Chloe took the book and began reading the next entry.


	6. Chapter 6

_September 8th_

_Dear Diary,_

_School wasn't any different today than it was last week more names, more bruises, nothing different. I at lunch alone at the back of the cafeteria and I could see Payton and her friends pointing and laughing at me. I couldn't tell what they were saying but it was probably something along the lines of 'Brooke's so fat.' 'Brookes so ugly.' Stuff like that._

_At pyramid I was on the very bottom, not really a surprise. After I went back to the dressing room yesterday Abby really gave it to me. She was so angry, she kept screaming about how I was fifteen years old and that I shouldn't be forgetting my dance, she was so embarrassed that her oldest dancer couldn't even remember choreography. It seemed like hours before she finally stopped yelling, mom never once spoke up to defend me. She just looked at me with this disappointed look in her eye and shook her head slowly. If it was Paige in my spot you know mom would be yelling and screaming at Abby telling her that,_

'_**She's just a kid.' or 'People make mistakes.' or 'Well then maybe you should have given her more time to work on it.'**_

_Why not me? Am I not good enough to defend? Do I not deserve for my mother to at least pat me on the back and say 'Its okay.'? Mom always did like Paige more than me._

_I didn't cry though, It was so hard with every word Abby said and with every word mom didn't say the tears built even more. But instead I kept them in and I took Abby's criticism and pretended I couldn't see Payton covering her smile with her hand trying not to laugh. I pretended not to see the sympathetic looks coming from the other moms and the other girls. I kept all my tears inside and then cried myself to sleep. Save your tears for the pillow._

_Love  
Brooke_

Shock and quilt swirled around inside Paige, she never knew that Brooke felt that there mom liked Paige more. What if there mom didn't like Paige more would Brooke still be alive? Was it her fault that Brooke was dead?

"It wasn't your fault." Chloe whispered in her ear. Paige looked at her friends face, she saw nothing but sincerity for what she said. Chloe reached out to hug Paige, but she turned away. Deep down she knew what Chloe was saying was true but there was this nagging voice in her head telling her that it was.

"Someone just read." She mumbled to the ground. Chloe eyed her friend with concern but cleared her throat and continued reading.

**A/N: REVIEW! Is this good? What do you think? I'd love to know, thanks!**


	7. Chapter 7

_September 12th  
__Dear Diary,_

_I cut myself today. _

The girls all gasped. "Why Brooke?" Was all Paige said.

With a slight shake of her head Chloe continued reading.

_It was just too much, the pain it hurt too much. The comments on the internet kept coming more and more each day and the kids at school won't stop! They just keep pushing and shoving and calling me names! I couldn't take it! _

_So I took the blade from my razor and pressed it to my wrist. I didn't cut very deep at first. Just enough to let a few drops run down my arm. _

Tears were streaming down the girls cheeks. It hurt to read that Brooke was in so much pain she started cutting herself.

_I was amazed by what I felt afterwards. I felt better. With every drop of blood that fell I could feel myself getting lighter like all my problems were flowing away with the blood. So I cut another line harder this time so I could let more blood through._

_Them mom told me it was time for dance and I had to stop. I'll have to remember to wear long shirts from now on._

_Love  
__Brooke_

They all sat there in silence no one knew what to say about what they had just read. After a while Kendal broke the silence. "Wow…"

Paige was jolted from a sort of trance and took the book from Chloe's hands. "You guys should go." Both Maddie and Kendall looked like they wanted to protest but Chloe shook her head.

"Paige is right it's getting late." She gave them a look saying go Paige has had enough. Both girls nodded at their friend and gave Paige a small hug before leaving the room. "Are you okay Paige?" Chloe asked.

"I'm fine just really tired." Her answer was muffled from the blankets that she had crawled into just a second ago.

"Okay Paige goodnight." And she turned out the lights.


	8. Chapter 8

_September 16_

_Dear Diary,_

_Am I fat?_

_I'm fat. _

_Today at lunch Payton came over to the table I was sitting at, alone. And dumped my tray on the floor. She said "Why don't you try a salad next time?" and then her friends chorused with there own insults "You could lose a little around the middle if you no what I mean." "You should just not eat then maybe you'll look better." "Fat." "Flabby." "Fatass." Just more names for them to bombard me with in the halls. _

_After Payton and her friends left I grabbed my bag and went straight to the bathroom. I locked myself in a stall and vomited up what little I had already ate for lunch. _

_I didn't eat any supper tonight. The girls at school are right I'm already too fat._

_Maybe if I lose weight the kids at school will like me? _

_Do you think that would work? I'm going to try._

_Love_

_Brooke_

**A/N: Sorry its so short. REVIEW! **


	9. Chapter 9

_"Brooke!" She screamed but the body of her older sister didn't move. She laid in a lump on the floor not moving. "Brooke!" She called again desperate to see any movement or hear _

_any sound, proof that she was alive but there was nothing. Paige ran as fast as she could pumping her arms for extra speed. The faster she ran the farther away Brooke's body seemed to be. She ran and ran as fast as she could, her breaths came in uneven pants and her legs burned but she had to get to Brooke she had to make sure she was alright. _

"Brooke!" Paige yelled, her eyes snapped open and she sat up, she was in her bed in her room at her house. And Brooke was gone. Chloe slept on the floor at the head of Paige's bed her breathing and soft snores lulling Paige's heart back to its normal rhythm. She layed back down visions of her dreams flashing through her mind. She felt a strange sense of deja vu like she already saw them but she couldn't remember what. It probably had something to do with Brooke's suicide but she couldn't remember that day. She remembered going to look for her and then the next morning but everything in between was fuzzy and clouded like it was there in the back of her head but just out of reach.

_September 20_

_Dear Diary_

_Why does everyone hate me?_

"No Brooke! Everyone doesn't hate you! I like you, Chloe likes you!" Paige screamed at the book.

_This is the part where if you could talk you would say "No Brooke everyone doesn't hate you." But you'd be wrong, everyone does._

_Abby hates me she yells and screams at me, she always puts me at the bottom of the pyramid. She never says anything nice to me or complements me on my dancing ever. Why? Am I that bad a dancer? Do I really suck that much that I don't even deserve a "nice trick Brooke" or a "good job Brooke" nothing?_

_Everyone at school hates me. They call me names, they push and shove me in the halls. What did I do? What did I ever do to them that they have to treat me this way?_

_All the girls on the team hate me, they all ignore me(Maddie especially) and they never stick up for me. But that's unfair, I understand why they don't, Abby scares them. She scares me too. _

_Even my own mother hates me! I know what you're gonna say "Brooke your mom does not hate you." But she does. We always fight, we can never just have a normal conversation it always turns into a fight. Why can't we just say more than ten words to each other without it turning into a screaming match? Why can't she see that I'm really screaming for help?_

_I don't want to fight with her I want to sit down and talk with her. I want to tell her what I've been doing to myself, the cutting, the anorexia. I want her to hug me like she did when I was little and tell me everything is going to be okay. But I can't she would never understand, she would be mad and disappointed. I'm already such a big screw up telling would just reinforce it._

_Love_

_Brooke_

Paige knew Brooke and there mom fought a lot. That's just what they did, but she didn't know she felt that there mom hated her.


	10. Chapter 10

_October 10_

_Dear Diary,_

_I love Nick._

_Did I really just write that?... Yeah I did. I think its true. I mean I haven't really had any experience with love. But he makes it easier. When I'm with him it doesn't hurt as much._

A lump of guilt formed in Chloe's throat she remembered when Brooke and Nick were going out. It started in late September. They seemed pretty happy together. But then he and Brooke broke up and Chloe had started going out with Nick. She didn't think it was that big of a deal at the time but now… Maybe it was.

_He tells me I'm beautiful. I don't believe him, but its nice to hear._

_He tells me I'm a great dancer. He's lying, but that's okay. I lie to myself too._

_We've been dating for a couple weeks now and I haven't cut myself once. The scars on my wrist have almost healed. Now they're just lines, reminders of what I used to do. _

_Maybe one day I will tell him. He might help. He could heal me. Maybe I'll get better. That's a nice thought… I'm going to go to bed now with that thought in my head. Maybe I'll get better._

_Love_

_Brooke_


	11. Chapter 11

_December 8th_

_Dear Diary,_

_It's going great. We have been dating for a couple of months now. He makes me feel… good?...great?...happy?...__**Alive**__. Nick makes me feel Alive. Thats more then I can say for most people. Most people look at me and they see a short fat, ugly and insecure girl. But not Nick, no. He looks at me and see's who I used to be that short, pretty, confident fun loving girl. That I'm scared is gone…_

_Is she gone, is she really gone? For good? I don't want her to be. I want to be that girl again. I do, I just don't know how. I know I can't do it on my own, I need...Help. I need help. I don't want to be this girl anymore. _

_So I've made up my mind I'll tell Nick and he'll help me and I'll get better. I'll get better._

_Love _

_Brooke_


	12. Chapter 12

_December 9th_

_Dear Diary, _

_I'm so stupid. I let myself believe that I could get better. I let myself believe that someone would help me. That someone would care enough to take my hand and drag me out of this hell that has become my life._

_Why would anyone care enough to do that? I'm not worth caring about._

_Nick dumped me. We went to the park for a picnic… huh pic-__**Nick**_…

Paige could see Brooke sitting on her bed laughing at her own joke. She almost laughed as well but she couldn't bring herself to do it so instead she let her lips lift up in a smile.

_Anyway we were eating and laughing, just having a great time. But something was wrong I could tell. His heart just wasn't in it. So I asked, I wish I hadn't._

_He said he really liked me but he didn't love me. He said there was another girl. And just like that my heart already so frail and breakable shattered into a million pieces. He said that he still wanted to be friends. He gave me a kiss on the cheek and left._

_I cried all the way home. And when I got home I all the pain came rushing back. It was overwhelming I needed to let it out so I grabbed a raiser..._

Paige's vision turned red with rage. How could Nick do that to Brooke?

_I cut myself! I was doing so good I haven't cut myself in a month! A month! And it took Nick one afternoon to make it all come crashing down. Why? Why did he do it? Things were going so great. Did I do something wrong? I must have done something wrong, but what?And who is this other girl? _

_Love_

_Brooke_

Chloe gulped, she knew who the other girl was and she hoped Brooke never found out.


	13. Chapter 13

_December 11th_

_Dear Diary,_

_The other girl was Chloe. I saw her and Nick kiss in the dancers den today. I saw them kiss. I didn't know it was possible to break a heart that was already broken. But it is, because when Chloe kissed nick I felt an inexpiable pain in my chest and it won't go away… Why won't it go away!_

Chloe imagined Brooke sitting on her her bed shaking the book and yelling at it asking why the pain wouldn't go away. Now Chloe had a pain in her chest and she didn't know if it would ever go away either.

_I don't blame Chloe though. _

Paige and Chloe stared at the book, they were both thinking the same thing "You should."

_No I don't blame her or Nick. I blame myself. I blame myself for not trying harder, I blame myself for being such a bad girl friend. Chloe will be a great girlfriend to Nick. She's pretty, smart, talented and nice. All the things that Nick deserves and all the things that I'm not. They'll be happy together. That's all that matters._

_Love _

_Brooke_

Paige pulled her knees to her chest and hid her head behind them."That's not all that matters Brooke you deserve to be happy too." Paige thought.

Chloe stared at the book uncomprehending, she had no idea Brooke felt that way. How could Chloe have caused Brooke so much pain? She didn't mean to. Then she heard sobs right next to her, she turned her head to see Paige, knees pulled to her chest head down. Paige! Oh god. Chloe rested a hand on her twinnies shoulder "Paige I am so sorry-"

"Don't touch me!" Paige screamed pulling away from Chloe's touch, choking on her tears. Maddie and Kendall both gasped but Chloe didn't hear she was too focused on Paige and the anger she was showing toward her.

Tears were streaming down Chloe's cheeks now. "Paige please I didn't mean-"

"What? You didn't mean to what, Chloe?" She spat Chloe's name. "Steal Brooke's guy? Break her heart? What didn't you mean to do exactly?"

"I never meant to hurt her! Paige please!"

"Get out." It was only a whisper and Chloe wasn't even sure if she heard right, she couldn't have heard right. Paige wouldn't tell her to get out.

"What?" Chloe whispered.

"Get out!" Paige screamed it now.

"Paige, I'm sorry please-" Chloe started to plead but Paige cut her off.

"No! Brooke may not have blamed you but I do!" Chloe stared at her dumbstruck she couldn't move. Kendall wrapped her arms around Paige and she leaned against her crying into her chest. Maddie grabbed Chloe's hand and pulled her her up and out of the room down the stairs and to the door.

"Maddie I-" Chloe began.

"Chloe I don't blame you and neither does Paige. She's just really upset, I think it would be best if you gave her some space let her calm down. You know?"

Chloe nodded what Maddie said made sense. "I'll do that, just tell her I'm sorry and that I love her?"

"I will."

"Thanks Maddie." With that Maddie closed the door and Chloe turned to her car. She opened the door and sat inside. Then the tears came heavier, in rivers instead of streams and her sobs racked her body, she tried to put the keys in the ignition but her hands were shaking too hard. She finally just gave up and cried into the steering wheel banging her hands against it. "I'm sorry Brooke!" She screamed at the sky. "I'm so sorry!"

Maddie took the steps as slow as she could back up to Paige's room. When she opened the door Paige was still crying in Kendall's arms, Maddie sat down and put a hand on her back rubbing soothing circles to try and calm her down. "Chloe say's she's really sorry." She murmured once Paige had settled down, "She loves you."

"I hate her!" Said Paige. Maddie knew it wasn't true but she didn't press it, Paige was just mad she would calm down soon. Maddie turned her head and glanced at the clock, 11:00. "Crap!" She scrambled up from her spot on the floor and grabbed her phone from the dresser.

"Maddie whats wrong?" Kendall asked. Maddie ignored her friends worry and checked her phone. 5 texts and 3 missed calls and one voice mail within the past hour, all from her mom. Asking where she was, demanding she get home. On the voice mail she sounded very angry and said Maddie was in so much trouble. If she didn't get home by 11:30 Melissa was going to kill her. Maddies curfew was ten ever since she got caught sneaking off to go see Brandon.

"Maddie whats wrong?" Paige asked this time.

"My moms going to kill me I'm an hour over curfew. Kendall I need a ride."

"Yeah sure" Kendall said getting up and grabbing her bag. "Paige are you going to be okay?"

Paige nodded. "Yeah go Maddie, I hope you don't get in too much trouble." Both girls gave Paige a hug before running out the door. And then Paige was alone. She grabbed the diary and flipped it to the next entry.


	14. Chapter 14

_Date December 18th_

_Dear Diary,_

_It breaks my heart to see Paige like this, she is such an amazing sister and friend the best anyone could ask for. And she is a great dancer, a really great dancer. But I don't think she knows that, she needs more confidence. _

_Of course Abby doesn't help things. She yells at Paige a lot and makes her cry,Abby makes everyone cry, even me. But I prefer to do my crying in secret. I've lost track of how many times I've cried myself to sleep or skipped a class in school to go cry in the bathroom. _

_Is that bad? _

_It kills me to see her cry. I wish I could wipe away those tears and make everything better. But I can't, I can't even make myself better. How am I supposed to make Paige better? I'm the worst older sister in the history of older sisters._

_I can see so much potential in Paige that no one else seems to see. She may not have as good as faces as Maddie or technique like Chloe but Paige has passion I can see it whenever she steps on stage. Its such a shame that Abby has planted so much doubt in her head that she no longer thinks she can do it. But I know she can and one of these days she's going to get her chance and she's going to shine._

_I hope Paige never stops dancing._

_Love_

_Brooke_

Paige pushed the diary away from herself wanting it as far away from herself as possible. Brooke's words made her feel guilty, there was Brooke saying all that wonderful stuff about her when she had completely given up on her self.

After Brooke died she no longer went to dance. Just seeing the studio made her sick to her stomach. She told herself that it just wasn't the same without Brooke(which was true) and that she was doing the right thing by not dancing without her older sister.

But deep down she knew that was all an excuse, an excuse because she was scared. Scared of Abby scared of screwing up and most of all scared of disappointing Brooke. But by not dancing it seemed she was disappointing Brooke even more.

That evening at dinner Paige joined her family at the table for the first time since Brooke's suicide. Usually she would just opt out to stay in her room, claiming she wasn't hungry. The table was very different without Brooke sitting in her usual spot beside Paige. There was no endless chatter about everyone's day. Dad telling them whatever happened at the firm that day. Josh's obnoxious railing about how good he was at Hockey and how he was sure to make the varsity team. Kelly spewing another story about what crazy or outrageous thing Abby had done that day.

Instead the only sound was that of forks hitting plates and people chewing their food. It was an eerie silence that had fallen over the Hyland table, without the fifth member of their family no one knew what to do or say. They all felt her presence or rather lack of it and it lay on them like a blanket heavy on their shoulders.

Paige pushed her spaghetti around her plate watching as the sauce tinted everything it touched a light orange. At any other time Paige noted her dad would have scolded her for playing with her food instead of eating and her mother would have asked if anything was wrong. But now no one seemed to notice everyone had other things on there mind, much bigger than Paige playing with her food. And asking whether she was alright was stupid cause it was pretty obvious she wasn't no one was. Would they ever be fine again, Paige wondered. Would they ever be like the family they were before or was it just to much to try when things would never really be the same, so was even worth trying?

She hadn't seen her father in days he had stopped coming to her room to try and get her to talk to him a while ago, when he realized that it just wasn't going to happen if Paige ever wanted to talk she would. And she hadn't seen Josh in weeks who hadn't even bothered to try to get her to talk. He either spent his time in his room or more often than not he was out of the house. At a practice or extra workouts or just hanging with friends any excuse to not be in the house.

_You never know what you have until it's gone. _Chloe's voice drifted through her thoughts. At the time Paige had just laughed at her friends dramatics over a pair of shoes that she had planned on wearing to the ALDC showcase last year, she had gotten them and they had just sat at the back of her closet before Chloe finally had a place that she deemed fancy enough to wear them to only to discover they no longer fit.

Then the saying had seemed so silly but now it pounded on the inside of her skull demanding to be heard, the amount of truth to those words was suffocating. Loudly dropping her fork onto her uneaten pasta and pushing away from the table she hurried out of the room and to the stairs.

Their family wasn't perfect before they had all fought a lot. But there was always that one thing that had kept them together even if no one ever knew it until now. Brooke was what kept them all together as a family. Without her they were all complete strangers.


	15. Chapter 15

"It'll be fine." Kelly said as she drove into the parking lot. "It'll be fine." She wasn't sure if she was trying to reassure Paige or herself, either way Paige listened to her mother words and tried to convince herself it was true. She could Abby voice in her head now, yelling "_What are you doing here Paige? You miss weeks of rehearsals and then you just come back expecting to be apart of the team like nothing has changed? Well you can't get the hell out of my studio!"._

But that was wrong Paige thought. Everything had changed.

Kelly parked the car and sat there in the drivers seat hands on the wheel staring straight ahead. Paige leaned her head against the passenger window and closed her eyes taking a deep breath and letting it out. "It'll be fine." She whispered and got out of the car.

They stared at the doors of the studio. Her eyes wandered to the sign above that read 'Abby Lee dance company'. How many times had she walked past that sign and never once had that picture of a dancer reminded her of Brooke so much. Their mom used to tease her about it, she said that Abby modeled the dancer after her. Paige never really saw it, after all it was just a black and white figure of a dancer it could be anybody. But now looking at that picture it looked exactly like Brooke. She did that move in everyone of her dances but it was more than that, the girls body shape her hair, just the way the dancer seemed to be moving reminded her of Brooke.

"I can't do this." Paige hadn't been to dance in over a month. At first she tried to go and dance but everything reminded her of Brooke and it was just too hard. "Maybe next week." She made a move to get back in the car but her mom stopped her by putting a hand on her shoulder.

"I know its hard Paige, its really hard. But we can't hide in the house forever. We have to move on." Her voice hitched but she kept going. "We have to get on with our lives, Brooke… Brooke would want that."

She wanted to scream at her mother '_You have no idea what Brooke would have wanted. You didn't know her!' _

The diary flashed through her mind and she thought. '_No one knew her apparently." _

Then she remembered the last entry she had read. Mom was right she couldn't hide anymore, Brooke wouldn't want that she would want her to live and have fun, she would want her to be happy. And most important Brooke would want her to dance.

With that she took a deep breath pulled on her big girl pants and walked into the studio.

With little hesitation she opened the door and stopped dead in her tracks. There on the bulletin board was a shrine to Brooke. In the middle of the board was her head shot surrounded by other pictures of her, dancing, pictures of her with friends, and little notes. Little messages and things that didn't get to be said. Above everything read, "In loving memory of Brooke Hyland." She forgot her mom was behind her until she gasped. Paige turned to see her covering her mouth with her hand tears glistening in her eyes. "Come on Paige we don't want to be late." Paige nodded and tears her eyes away from the shrine.

Legs weak, knees wobbling and hands shaking she walked into the dancer's den and was relieved to find it empty, all the girls must already be in for pyramid. She stripped off her t-shirt and jeans to reveal a black and dark blue crop top with matching booty shorts. Running her hands over her ponytail she stopped in front of the door to studio A. Kelly put her hand on her back and gave her a little push before opening the door and stepping inside with Paige following behind. When the girls saw her they squealed and ran to her crushing her in a tight group hug. It felt good to feel the warmth of the girls hugs again, she missed it.

Everyone stepped away but Chloe stayed right where she was with her arms wrapped around Paige's neck. Paige was glad, she had said some harsh words to Chloe the last time they talked and she was relieved to see that Chloe wasn't mad. She wrapped her arms around Chloe's waist inhaling the scent of her strawberry perfume. She buried her head in her neck and squeezed her eyes tight trying to stop the waterfall of tears threatening to fall.

"Paige I'm so sorry." Chloe whispered close to tears herself. Paige just squeezed her in response.

"You came."

Paige nodded her head and pulled away from her. "It was time." Paige told her. Chloe smiled and squeezed her shoulders before moving out of the way. One by one all the moms came and gave Paige a hug, then Abby came and gave her a bone crushing hug she hesitated at first but then hugged her back.

"Its great to have you back Paige, get in line." She said in her normal drill sergeant voice.

Paige smiled some things never changed.


	16. Chapter 16

**Extra long chapter for you guy's and a double update! Please review, I love reading your reviews.**

The pyramid went like usual Maddie was on the top and Chloe was second Paige was on the bottom, but that was to be expected she hadn't been here in almost a month. She looked at her mom when Abby reviled her picture and she didn't seem mad which Paige took as a good sign and turned back to Abby, she was giving out assignments. Maddie and Chloe both had solo's, Mackenzie and Nia had a duet and everyone was in the group dance. Just as she finished giving out the assignments she hesitates and looks at the pyramid deep in thought before turning to look at Paige. "And Paige I'm giving you a solo, only if you're up for it." She added hastily.

All the girls clapped, the moms smiled encouragingly. Kelly raised her eyebrows and looked at her youngest daughter like '_Well? Are you going to take it?' _Chloe took her hand and squeezed it. Paige started at her feet and thought about it, a solo her first week back? Then she thought about Brooke and her diary entry, _She's an amazing dancer, but I don't think she knows that. _Brooke was right she didn't think of herself as an amazing dancer but if Brooke did then she would do this for her. Paige looked up at miss Abby and smiled. "I'm up for it, thank you." She smiled back and clapped her hands.

"Alright good, now moms your dismissed girls spread apart." Mom came by and kissed Paige's cheek on her way by.

"Paige this solo is a tribute to Brooke…" She sucked in a breath, a tribute to...Brooke. Paige didn't know if she was up for that it was only her first week back she hadn't been up on stage for a month let alone do a tribute for Brooke. "But if you don't want to I can give you a different solo."

She shake her head. "No, I want to do it." She tried to sound more sure than she felt.

Abby smiles. "I'm glad. Its a lyrical piece entitled 'One more night'. Its about wishing you had one more night to say goodbye to someone you loved.'" She turned on the music and watched Paige intently trying to gauge her reaction to the music.

Paige held back the sobs as she gave Abby an indifferent shrug. "Okay, let's get started." She blocked any emotion from coming out in her voice. Paige knew this song, she had listened to this song on repeat for the past month.

Abby jumped into choreography telling Paige to start center stage. The routine starts with a turn sequence. She continues the routine going over every bit of choreography with Paige very carefully. Its a more difficult solo then what Paige would usually do but this is for Brooke and anything less wouldn't do her justice. She could tell Abby put a lot of time into the dance and it warmed her heart.

It took almost four hours but they finished the solo that day. Paige didn't want to stop dancing at all. It was the most alive she had felt in weeks. The burn in her arms, legs slowly turning to jello, she gulped for air and her heart pounding so fast that she was sure it would beat out of her chest any second.

The music began to slow and she took her ending pose collapsing on the floor. "Alright Paige that's enough." Abby ordered.

Breathing heavily Paige choked out. "Just one more time."

Abby shook her head and looked at her slightly worried. "Paige you've been at this for hours you have got to be exhausted." It was true she was exhausted but it helped keep her mind of everything. By focusing on the steps of the dance or how fast her heart was beating she wasn't thinking about Brooke or the Diary.

Abby patted her on the back. "Its time to go home." Nodding glumly Paige trudged after her into the dancer's den. Maddie and Chloe were giggling in the corner but stopped abruptly once they saw her.

She sighed as she grabbed her water from her bag. Paige had expected this but that didn't me that made it any less difficult. She had really hoped that if she came back things wouldn't be awkward between her and the girls. But much to her non surprise as she took several long gulps from her water they stared at her cautiously and slightly hesitant like they didn't know what to say in front of her.

"Please don't do this." Paige said, more like pleaded with them.

"Do what? We're not doing anything." Maddie defended her and Chloe.

"I don't want you to walk on eggshells around me. I'm not going to fall apart." They exchanged an uneasy glance.

"We're just worried about you Paigey." Chloe started. Her words thought out carefully. But Paige stopped her there.

"And I appreciate it but I just need this to be like before. I need to start going back to some type of normalcy." She explained to her two friends hoping they would understand.

They exchanged another glance they seemed to be having a conversation through their eyes. After what seemed like forever they turned toward her. "Okay Paige just like before." Chloe smiled and patted the bench next to her.

Paige smiled and grateful smile. "What are we talking about?" She asked taking her seat beside Chloe.

Maddie blushed and Chloe giggled. "Maddie's been working on this duet with a guy and she has a huge crush on him but he's oblivious."

Paige rolled her eyes. "Boys. Who is it?"

_Can't breath! That was the first thing she realized, there was no air. Every time she opened her mouth to breath a liquid quickly flowed in in the airs place. Flailing her arms and legs frantically Paige broke through the surface and gulped in breaths of air greedily and spitting out the bitter tasting liquid that had a metallic twinge to it. _

_Where was she?_

_It wasn't water it was warm and thick. Trying to swim in it was very hard she had to pump her arms extra hard just to keep her head above the water. Paige looked around frantic trying to find land but it was too dark to see anything._

"_Somebody help!" Paige screamed into the black abyss. "Please help me!" No answer. Tears built up in the corners of her eyes. _

_Was she going to die? _

_Giggles echoed through the dark and for a second she stopped moving. "Hello?" She called._

"_Keep swimming Paige." Came a melodic whisper surrounding Paige just like the strange liquid._

_Brooke?_

"_Brooke is that you?" She called out again frantic now for a whole other reason. She had to find Brooke she had to see her and talk to her just one more time. She had so many questions._

_Giggling again. _

_Pumping her legs Paige tried to swim in the direction she had thought her voice had come from. But she couldn't be sure and she still had no idea where she was or even what direction she was going._

"_Paige help me." Brooke's voice was muffled this time not as melodic more scared._

"_Brooke what's happening?" Paige called swimming faster._

_No answer it was completely silent except for the splash's from her hurried swimming. Just then an ear piercing scream filled her ears and she had to stop to cover her ears. Whoever it was kept screaming, it wouldn't stop. Paige couldn't concentrate on anything and before she knew it she was sinking under the water again. She lifted her hands away from her ears to start swimming again but the scream was still too loud and Paige had to cover her ears again. Her lungs were starting to beg for air, Paige had to get to the surface but she couldn't uncover her ears to swim. She began to panic pumping her legs trying to get to the surface but nothing worked. Pink and blue spots danced in her vision and her brain became fuzzy. _

_This was it she was going to die..._

Paige gasped sitting bolt up in bed, panting. A nightmare, it was just a nightmare. She kicked the covers off her legs and stood up pacing the room running her hands through her tangled hair. It several minutes for her heartbeat to calm down but eventually it did and exhaustion started to settle in, her bones ached from the intense work out she had put them through at dance yesterday. Paige stumbled on her feet, they were barely able to hold her weight and she practically fell onto the bed.

She snuggled into her pillows but didn't let herself fall asleep that was the third nightmare she had had like that. They just kept getting worse and worse. And Paige knew that if she fell asleep again they would return even worse than before and Paige couldn't take that. So she grabbed her phone off the nightstand and played flappy bird till the sun crept through the cracks in her curtains and she could hear the shuffling sounds of her parents getting ready in their bedroom.


End file.
